1. Watch the calendar at the beginning of the year and reckon the hottest couple of months when you can act
2. Know your enemy. Go to any real estate agency and let yourself be be kidded by any surprising and very convenient proposal, then make them the same questions they make you.
They won’t know how to answer you. Don’t let yourself fool from them and they cares, not to divide the bedroom with stowaways in a cabin near the river. If you’re lucky and clever, you’ll find a couple of interesting occasions in your thousand notes.
3. Take a look at the house … and your neighbours! … if you hate brazilian parties under your windows during the week.
4. Define the value to pay. The owners will never accept it.! So, as always, you’ll be obliged to chicken out.
5. Find a cheap notary, useless motherfucker bloodsucker, and hope he/she’ll be nice at least.
6. Find a bank for your mortgage. The most the operator is serious and without sense of humour, the best conditions you’ll get. You’re going to hang on the ass of this usurer for the next 30 years if you’re lucky, hope it won’t stink too much.
7. Put all these alien people together in the same room, and hope they won’t eat each other, you and the check of your loan before signing the agreement. If it goes right, then realize that your money won’t be enough for buying a scrubber, so you’ll be forced to live as a gipsy in an empty caravan… or to go to Ikea.
8. Enter your new house, wear helmet and sword to fight against spiders, bees, wasps, lizards, t-rex taking over your property while it was uninhabited. Blood can be washed from walls and floors by chemicals which could dissolve your car… modern technology! Wipe away the garbage left from the previous owners in a huge rubber bag which won’t be enough anyhow, for sure, while you’ll touch up the first layer of curses to hang to the walls.
9. Take the screws, nails and fischers out the walls, and cover the house with the second layer of curses for any livid you’ll get.
10. Go to your favourite paints and colors market, spend thousands quids for uncomprehensible colours, but spare as much as you can for paint rollers, brushes and pails… very smart!
11. Before painting, try to take the lid off the colour canister without cutting off 5 of your 10 fingers… of course you won’t do it! So hang the third layer of curses on the bedroom’s wall. Don’t punch the roller if it doesn’t understand it has to stand in the right position while you paint, it doesn’t speak your same language… or it’s deaf. Cusrses won’t let it comprehend better.
12. Go to Ikea. Book a table at the self-service restaurant including pillow and cover for the following 2 nights, especially when you’re with your girlfriend. Through the lighting dept. Close your eyes and hears and pass as fast as you can, or those evil bulbs won’t let you out anymore. They’re witches! And make sure your vehicle could reach the same capacity of a container ship… if your girlfriend is with you.
13. Search for family volunteers to unload the container ship and take the packs up to the 2nd floor at least, without lift. Nobody’ll answer you at the phone, even Virgin Mary appearing on the stairs to your flat while you carry 40 kgs. More than fragile packs will look at you and laugh. Something makes me doubt the 4th layer of curses will follow.
14. Unpack the cartons (it seems Xmas!), and mount ALL the forniture, possibly within the same day. Warning! Never do it together with an engineer, to avoid stress, discussions, further curses, flying screwdrivers. In case, NEVER leave him alone with the forniture, to avoid broken pieces, broken glasses which would cost hundreds quids, punchs to the walls, blood everywhere.
15. Move your poor and few things from the old flat to new new one, only after a couple of weeks to the gym, to avoid collapse, vomit, discussions, curses due to that so convenient cathode tv instead of a light Lcd Tv. It will take 5 days to move all those few things.
16. Get over the “Big one earthquake phase” by creating little paths through the thousands packs with all your poor and few things, at least to the toilet.
17. Pray for waking up and finding everything magically in its place… if not so (probably), take your time, amount of curses and sweat (remember you’re probably in July or August) and do it by yourself. Nobody can help you now, ’cause only you know where the stuff HAS to be. Engineers are not allowed to these operations.
18. After the brainstorming about the position of your knick-knacks, and further liters of sweat, raise your head and find your house complete and settled.
19. Take off the different layers of curses hanging on the walls from days (they can be cleared as differential treatment, together with paper).
And now, get ready to live your own new lovely nest, with all its technical problems, not-running cold water, electric short-circuits, dishwasher too small to wash big dishes, not-working phone line, and any lovely infinite inconvenient that may occur.